Putting the FUN in DysFUNctional

Mar 11

Eight Ways to Serve Humor at this Year’s Holiday Gathering!

Just like no family is perfect, no family is void of dysfunction. That’s right, every brood is part lewd and if your family is anything like ours, they put the “func” in “malFUNCtional.” If the roots of your family tree are more twisted than the tea your trashy cousin Debbie guzzles while driving then it’s high-time you give your holiday a Princess Switch.

F*ck your family (not literally… Alabama).

We’ve identified possible triggers and provided signature TLC techniques for how to laugh your way OUT of generational trauma and IN to the No-Longer-Getting-A- Christmas-Card List list!

Trigger: Cousin Kristin Has Too Much Cheer

TLC Technique: Seeing is Believing!

When Cousin Kristin won’t shut up about how, “All of December is magical”, remind yourself that… she’s right! December IS magical because MAGIC ISN’T REAL. But of course Kristin wouldn’t understand that because she’s a Disney adult. Every time Kristin displays yuletide spirit, picture her getting trampled by your favorite Disney character! Close your eyes, either in a private space or right in front of Kristin’s stupid chipper face, and smile as you breathe deeply and picture her trapped under the weight of America’s favorite flying elephant.

Trigger: G.O.P. (Grandpa’s Ol Party)

TLC Technique: Weaponize Sound!

When Grandpa Clarence pours his third whiskey you need to put on Semisonic because it’s Closing Time. He’s about to trigger a liberal which means it’s time for you to haul ass and befriend the closest sound source. Find a speaker and let ‘er rip! Why listen to Grandpa tell you why Trump should win back the presidency (again) when you can just enjoy this Holiday Classic! Bonus points for taking to the dance floor and choreographing a routine, just for you! Don’t forget: if you can stand on it, you can dance on it! Grab some garland and become Judy Garland! Sure, your conservative family will call you an abomination, but who cares because drowning them out is better than prison.

Trigger: Mom wants You to F*ck

TLC Technique: OBJECTify Your Loved Ones!

Sure! A woman’s body was made to bear children; it was also made to withstand explosive diarrhea and only one of those is “appropriate dinner conversation.” When the question pops, so will you! Stuff a pillow under your blouse and get in those pretend stirrups because you’re about to give birth! For inspo. When your DNA-sharers become visually disturbed by your method acting, remind them it’s just your pillow baby moving from your cervix into the birth canal. And after all, isn’t a baby exactly what grandma wanted?

Trigger: KIDS

TLC technique: Play ‘Animal KINGdom’!

This one’s simple. Every time a child comes near you (note: a child is anyone who refers to their parents as mommy or daddy), you need to embody a dangerous animal and act as though you’re under attack. When little Tommy wants to show you his Christmas truck, you must become an Australian Copperhead Serpent and vehemently hiss with such gusto, Tommy regresses to pant-wetting. Snakes not your style? Any animal king will do! You could be a crocodile, cape buffalo or poisonous dart frog (or what we like to call “fart frog”.) Whichever animal gives you the conviction needed to effectively bully a child into getting the f*ck away from you! Welcome to your jungle!

Trigger: Grandmas Don’t Get Run Over Enough

TLC technique: Hide and Seek only don’t seek so… just hide.

Have you always thought your grandma was the matriarch only to find out she’s just… a c*nt? Absence makes the heart grow fonder but not with this ‘ol bitch. After saying hello and leaning down to her physical level, don’t stoop to her emotional level. It’s time to set boundaries just like the wall she has desperately wanted since 2016. As soon as you’re over your Meema’s bullsh*t (10 minutes in), it’s time to build tension by disappearing. Retreat to the room where everyone leaves their coats or just go home. The farther the better, because like Hercules, you can 'Go the Distance.'

Trigger: Chatty Aunt Kathy Won’t Give it a Rest.

TLC Technique: Far & Expansive… Lies.

Sick of hearing about how Aunt Kathy found herself during her Eat Pray Love trip to exotic Oklahoma City? We all are! Her mind may be small, but it’s nothing compared to her vocabulary. Use big words like “decade” and “often” to cause her brain to overheat and justify the brain damage the family has been hinting at. Because knowledge is power, make like a textbook and lie. Remind her that the dinosaurs never happened and that American Saxophonist Kenny G is actually… YOU. Who doesn’t love a Christmas fib! Until your cheeks hurt from clenching and your lips bleed from grinning, make like the Cheshire cat and lie-till-you-die!

Trigger: Deadbeat Dad isn’t on Time

TLC Technique: Let’s do the Time Warp Again!

Are you waiting around for a phone call or even just a card from your sweet papa? Father-of-the-year has sent you the only gift he can afford: time. For every passing second you feel unloved, remember you have dreams. And they’re not going to chase themselves, sport! Download DuoLingo and plan that trip to Peru! Run a mile for every recital he missed -- sounds like you’re a marathoner now! So proud, champ. Who needs a father’s love while you’re blowing through your bucket list!

Trigger: Your Brother’s Gifting You Emotional Baggage

TLC Technique: Regift Your Trauma!

Did your not-official-by-23&me brother, Alex unload something on you that wasn’t on your wishlist? Of course his life sucks -- he’s a white, privileged man with a GED! Give him the gift of a lifetime by reliving the Hunger Games. His credit score is low, but the odds are ever in his favor when it comes to living in squalor. Turn any outdoor space into an arena because it’s time to spill the only fluid that connects y’all: blood (not that fluid, Uncle John!). Your mom will finally have an answer to her favorite question, “What will the neighbors think?” Sing from the heavens because after this bloodbath, you’ll be a songbird!

As you can see, this Christmas you’re Patti Lupone and ‘Anything Goes!’ And if sh*t really hits the fan, try reciting our favorite Polish Proverb: